Answering the Enemy
by perfectpro
Summary: You know you have weird friends when you play a constant game of phone tag with one of them resulting in the ownership of a dog , another won't stop talking about being pretty, one of them is obsessed with gnomes, and the other thinks you're on drugs.
1. The Messages of Miss Munroe

"Hey, it's Sonny! My phone is currently in my dressing room, but I'm off in the cafeteria right now! Can't come to the phone, but just leave your --- forget it, you know the drill!"

BEEEP

"Sonny, it's CDC. We have a Mac Falls emergency and I--_we_ need you now."

"You got Sonny. I work on _So Random!_ and not _Mackenzie Falls_ for whoever out there wants to know!"

BEEEP

"Look, Sonny, there's a dog! It's a Labrador! They scare me! Now come and get it out of here!"

"This is Sonny Munroe. I'm out playing with my new dog that Chad gave me! Just leave me your name and I'll get back to you."

BEEEP

"I did not give that dog to you, Sonny! But that does not mean you can give it to me! Chad Dylan Cooper kicks puppies, not takes them in! And could you stop saying regular machine massages? It throws me off when I hear normal on a _Random_."

"This is a telepathic thought recording device. Think about your name, number, and reason for calling, and I'll think about getting back to you on that."

BEEEP

"Much better. Could you stop giving me the evil eye whenever I walk into the cafeteria? Also, stop sending that dog after me to -- AHH!"

"Hey, it's Sonny. Leave me a message unless you're Chad. If you're Chad and you're calling me, then I'm sending Molly after you again. Yes, I named her Molly."

BEEEP

"That dog just traumatized me! I should be suing you for not keeping a leash on that dog! You could owe me billions of dollars, you know."

"You're reached the phone of Sonny Munroe. I'm currently on the phone with my lawyer, negotiating a contract about my dog. If you have any snide comments to say about Chad Dylan Cooper, I'll listen to your message. If not, you're a big meanie."

BEEEP

"Sonny, this is Lucy. Umm, can I ask when you got a dog? I can? Ok then, I'll ask. When did you get a dog, Sonny? Does your mom even know that you have a lawyer? ... Or a dog for that matter?"

"This is Sonny's phone with the cow ring tone! But I'm Tawni and I have her phone because... Sonny! Why do I have your phone? ... Oh, yeah. Well, Sonny is picking up dog crap that her dog left in our dressing room! Ew!"

BEEEP

"Really, Sonny? Really? Picking up dog crap? I knew that you'd never get anywhere in Hollywood. At least you have your lifelong dream as a dog crap picker-uper to fall back on. Oh wait, that wasn't your lifelong dream. Oh well."

"You've got Sonny Munroe, who works on _So Random!_ and is _not_ going to become a dog crap picker-uper for her job when she doesn't work at _So Random!_ anymore!"

BEEEP

"Oh, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. I read between the lines, you know. And all I heard was _I love Chad Dylan Cooper_. Which, you know, a lot of people do. But few are so vocal about it even on their voicemails. I'm impressed."

"I'm Sonny and I do not love Chad Dylan Cooper! I also have a dog that will bite him in awful places for guys to be bitten at!"

BEEEP

"Is that a threat or a promise? By the way, that sounds like it hurts. A lot. Would a sorry make things better?"

"This is Sonny! I need to go and hug Chad right now, because he apologized. But I'm not hugging him right now because he had to throw up after he finished. I guess apologizing just isn't for some people."

BEEEP

"Sonny, it's Tawni! We need to rehearse for the Check-It-Out sketch! I want a lunchbox!"

"This is Chad Dylan Cooper with Sonny Munroe's phone. I have also successfully changed her ring tone to something much more suitable. Ah! Is that the demon dog chasing me? SONNY, DON'T LET IT TACKLE ME! OOOOFFF!"

BEEEP

"You know, I think I like this message. What ring tone did he set it to now?"

"I can't some to the phone right now because I'm trying to find a way to remove the Chad Dylan Cooper fan-girl song from my phone. If you're Chad, I suggest you run far away before I hear your message."

BEEEP

"Oh, so you found out. Gotta go, Sonny."

"You got Sonny. I'm out right now, making some changes to Chad's current hair products. He uses Diamond-Dust shampoo and conditioner. I thought only girls had matching shampoo and conditioners! Whatever, Chad's coming now!"

BEEEP

"Sonny, it's Lucy. Umm ... Do we need to talk about anything?"

"Hey! It's Sonny here! Actually, not here, because obviously if you've gotten my voicemail then either I'm not in right now or I'm screening my calls and I don't want to talk to you. If you're Chad, it's the second one."

BEEEP

"Why don't you listen to me, Sonny? You need to pay for the bill at my hair salon! If you mess up the hair, you pay for it. Also, you're not screening calls against CDC. _No one_ screens calls against CDC. _No one!_"

"This is Sonny. All I did was put a little bit of honey and hair dye in Chad's shampoo, so that's why he looks like a poodle. If this is Chad, I'd better make it up to you. So you look like a cute poodle, okay? All better? Leave me a message after the annoying little beeping sound that will commence once I stop talking."

BEEEP

"Sonny, did you just call me a cute poodle? I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. I'll take it as both. By the way, I guess you look like a cute poodle too. Yeah, because that's not awkward at all. Note the sarcasm please, Munroe."

"This is Sonny Munroe! You got my line, but I'm out! So leave your _name_ - Chad, that means you have to introduce yourself; I can't just automatically tell who you are - and your reason for calling, and I'll get back to you with that. "

BEEEP

"I never leave my name, Sonny. Unless I have to say 'It's CDC here.' But other than that, I don't do introductions. Once someone has met me, they will always remember me and therefore it should be the highlight of their day whenever I call them and leave a message. By the way, CDC doesn't do messages."

"Sonny's out right now. So this is Zora instead. She told me to tell you the usual. So leave your name and reason for calling after the beep and she'll get back to you. Also, she said to tell Chad if he calls to tell him to stop calling. So, Chad, stop calling Sonny. She's getting annoyed. Also, has anyone seen my gnome?"

BEEEP

"Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. I'll keep calling you for your information. And if Zora asks, I haven't seen her gnome. It's probably cowering in fear from the last time it saw her face. I'm hysterical, aren't I? I don't see why you guys don't want me on your show. I'm funnier than all of you put together. Plus, I'm so random! Why don't pineapples wear bathrobes? See, that's so random! Ah, I kill myself."

"You've got Sonny, I just stole Chad's phone because he kept calling me. Guess that problem is solved for now. So leave your name and whatever else and I guess I'll get back to you."

BEEEP

"Hey, Sonny. I just stole Portlyn's phone to call you. So guess what! Problem not solved after all. What problem was even there is the first place? CDC calling you is a solution, Sonny, not a problem."

"This is Sonny. If you're Chad, please do go and kill yourself. If you're not Chad, then you know the drill. By the way, asking why pineapples don't wear bathrobes isn't random, it's stupid!"

BEEEP

"It's Nico, Sonny. Marshal needs you on set. By the way, what's up with the whole bathrobes on pineapples? I heard Chad saying something about it when he was walking down the hallways. Are you on drugs, he's the dealer, and pineapples with bathrobes is your secret codeword for crack? It'll be okay, Sonny. We'll send you to a rehab group, you'll get better in no time, and Tawni and the rest of the group should know about this really. I don't want them assuming something that isn't true, do we? ... GRADY!"

"Nico, I'm not on drugs, Chad isn't the dealer, and a pineapple with bathrobes isn't the codeword. Chad, stop smirking at me like you know something I don't know. But anyways, the name's Munroe. Sonny Monroe. Sorry, I've always wanted to be James Bond on a voicemail Yes, check another off of hopes and dreams! Oh, come off it, Chad, stop laughing. Chad, stop it!" *tackle and silence*

BEEEP

"Sonny, it's Mom. Do I even want to know? Also, be home by six for dinner. You could invite this 'Chad' person over for dinner too if you want. You've never had a boyfriend over for dinner before! Wait until I tell your father!"

"You've reached Sonny Munroe. This is Chad, and I'm telling you that whoever is worthy enough to leave Sonny a message - which none of you are, I'm the only worthy one - than go ahead and do so. But seeing as none of you are worthy enough - because none of you are me - just don't leave Sonny a message. Besides, she'll be too busy with me over at her house eating dinner than to listen to any stupid messages left by people who aren't me. Peace out, suckas!"

BEEEP

"Chad, just give me back my phone. Also, you're not coming over to my house for dinner, no matter what my mother thinks. You're the one that broke down our door in the first place. You know, when Tawni turned on the garbage disposal and crushed my phone, which somehow called you and then you came and basically broke down the door in order to get into my house. Yeah, you know. But don't come over to my house for dinner! Also, Zora just wants you to know that she knows you have her gnome and if you keep holding him hostage, she'll plot a takeover. What? Zora, I am not doing an evil laugh. Fine, fine. Also, she says: Muwahahahahahaha with an extra 'ha' or two on the end. So, bye, Chad. And give me back my phone already!"

"You've reached Sonny. I'm at my house living my worst nightmare. Apparently Chad is staying at my house for dinner, my mother thinks we're dating, Chad doesn't feel like telling her that we're _not_ dating - which we so aren't, by the way - and now my dad is interrogating the impersonator person who is acting like his daughter's boyfriend over the phone. So yeah, if you can get me out of this, leave a message. If not, just hang up now before you get my hopes up."

BEEEP

"Dinner was great, wasn't it, Sonny? Your mom is a great cook. Your dad isn't too bad either by the way! So same time same please on Sunday? Oh, I forgot to tell you, your mom invited over to Sunday night dinner. See you there! By the way, they don't even suspect the fact that we've never been out on a real date before! There was that fake date, but it has the word fake in front of the word date so it kind of cancels it out. It's perfect; everything is going according to the master plan I have decided on! Err, I mean ... I'll just see you at work, Munroe. CDC out."

Author's Note: I think Chad came a little bit OOC in that last message, but I couldn't think of anything else that would fit. I'm going to start on Chad's voicemail now.


	2. The Messages of Mister Chip Drama Pants

"Hey, you've got CDC, who isn't afraid of anything. Don't leave a message; I won't listen to it."

BEEEP

"Hey, Chad, it's Sonny. Your voicemail is really annoying, by the way. Oh, I almost forgot! I brought the dog back to my dressing room; she is such a sweetie! I just don't understand why you don't like dogs, Chad. They're so adorable and cute!"

Hey, you've got CDC, who isn't afraid of anything. Don't leave a message; I won't listen to it."

BEEEP

"Change your voicemail, Chad; it's rude. By the way, you so are afraid of things. You're scared of Molly, you said so on my voicemail, which I saved to prove it! But, whatever . . . and you so did give that dog to me, you liar! I'm not giving Molly up to the pound, not for anything!

"CDC's phone. Don't leave a message. Stop giving me the evil eye, Sonny. Again, don't leave a message. So remember, unless you're my mom – Hi, Mommy! – then you cannot leave a message. No one – except for my mother and occasionally Sonny, I mean, only my mother – is worthy enough to leave a message on the phone of Chad Dylan Cooper!"

BEEEP

"Hi, Chaddyykins, it's Mom. Who is this 'Sonny' girl and why is she right up there with me? I don't remember telling you I wanted to share! Just kidding, Chaddy. You'll be there for the family reunion three weeks from now, won't you? You've missed the last two and your father and I would greatly appreciate it. Just back to me on that soon, sweetie!"

"You've reached Chad Dylan Cooper. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm so badly hurt from Sonny's dog – who attacked me on command! Oh, the pain, the agony! – so you know the drill. In case you don't know the drill, then I shall explain. You could leave a message. If you do, I probably won't get back to you, just so you know. Bye."

BEEEP

"See, I told you that was my dog, Cooper! Ha, more proof for the lawsuit! By the way, I don't want there to be a lawsuit. Seriously, who sues for a dog they don't even like? Thanks for changing your voicemail though. It doesn't sound so conceited now. Oh, dang it, I have to go pick up Molly's dog crap. Well, I guess that I'll see you later, Chad."

"Hahahaha! It's Chad! I can't talk because I'm too busy laughing over the fact that Sonny is picking up dog crap right now! Ha!"

BEEEP

"Stop laughing, Chad. Seriously. I can see you over in the _Mackenzie Falls_ area laughing. Stop laughing at me! I am come over there and giving you a piece of my mind. Why am I still talking to your voicemail? Never mind then, because I am hanging up! So take that, Cooper!"

"It's Chad Dylan Cooper who _does not_ apologize. To anyone. For anything. Believe me!"

BEEEP

"Oh, forget it, Chad. You so apologized. Sure, you threw up after it, but you apologized all the same!"

"This is Sonny on Chad's phone! He keeps calling me so I decided to put a stop to this madness by stealing his phone! Also putting the date of your first movie isn't exactly an original password, Cooper. It's more like just bragging to everyone about being a big star . . . Oh, right, I forgot. Sorry, Chad! Or whoever is calling Chad! Leave him a great message just so he can complain about it to me! No, really, leave him a message that he'll hate! Really, I'm not being sarcastic! At all!"

BEEEP

"Chad, it's Mom. I have a feeling that we're going to talk about this . . . Is Sonny your girlfriend? Oh, sweetie, she sounds so nice! You should bring her by sometime! Oh, this must be the girl who you talked about on your other voicemail? Oh, it doesn't matter! You apologized to her? Oh, Chaddy, that's so _sweet_ of you to do that! Bring her by sometime tomorrow after I finish cooking the lasagna for dinner. Now, Chad, I've been meaning to tell you that your father might not be in the country for your birthday next week. Yes, I know that you've been asking him to fly in, but he just isn't able to make it this year. Maybe next year, right, sweetie?"

"This is Chad Dylan Cooper, Hollywood's resident bad boy. I'm probably on a call about a new movie deal or something, so don't bore me with details of your boring lives. Remember, no messages. No names, no numbers, and _no_ reasons of why I should call you back. Get it, got it, good."

BEEEP

"Chad? Why did you leave me a voicemail about being your fake date for something tomorrow and apparently a family gathering? Whatever; never mind that. I thought that when James was here and our first and last fake date. That thing where you went to dinner with my family was not a fake date! My mom thinks you're my boyfriend, though! Who does that? Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyways. You'll just owe me for forever. And when I say forever, I mean forever. Forever, Cooper! Forever! Sorry, I was hanging out with Zora for a little while and I think that she rubbed off on me."

"You've reached Chad Dylan Cooper. I'm currently having dinner with my family – "

"And me!"

"And Sonny. Now, if you don't mind – it doesn't matter if you don't – I must eat lasagna. Don't leave me a message unless you're offering me a movie part in what is sure to be the latest blockbuster for this summer, or the summer after that. But unless you are, again, don't leave me a message – Sonny, let me see your phone . . . The light is better over the sink, believe me."

BEEEP

"Oh, God, my phone! Not the garbage disposal! Not again! I just got this one . . . Chad, stop worrying about your hair! Not when my poor, sweet, young phone has been ripped away from – Don't turn on the garbage disposal, Chad! Don't you dare! Ah – You absolute monster – !!"

"You've reached Chad's phone. This isn't Chad, this is Sonny. Chad is buying me a new phone right now as my phone could have lived if the monster hadn't turned on the garbage disposal for the second time! Oh, my poor phone. Leave him a message after the – Oh, forget it, you know the drill."

BEEEP

"Is that Sonny Munroe? Is that Sonny Munroe on Chad Dylan Cooper's phone? Oh this is the best gossip I've had since Brad dumped Angelina – and that was totally I fake; I didn't mean to cause their actual breakup! Chad, this is Sharona from _Sharona Knows_ and I was calling to ask a few questions about _Mackenzie Falls_, but now I would like to schedule an interview between you and Sonny Munroe, who I will now be calling. Call me to schedule that interview sometime next week!"

"This is Chad Dylan Cooper. I'm being held hostage at studio two in Condor Studios, otherwise known as the hated place call _So Stupid!_ Ow, Sonny, stop pelting me with those stupid chickens! If you hear this, come and _rescue me!_"

BEEEP

"Chip? It's Grady from _So Random!_ in case you didn't already check your missed calls to see . . . Never mind. Oh, did Sonny actually . . . Well, that's what I called about to find out if she had gone ahead and made you join her dodge chicken team. Guess she recruited you! See you at practice then, Chip!"

"Hi! This is Sonny! I stole Chad's phone! He didn't even bother to change his password from the last time, either! Leave him a message while I rummage around throughout his contacts and messages!"

BEEEP

"Chad, this is the _Mackenzie Falls _director, Rick. I don't care if you don't have your phone on you! If you're not back on set in five minutes we won't be able to get the episode out until Thursday night, which is exactly twenty four hours after our usual time premiers on Wednesday night. Get it together! Preferably on set, if you will. Five minutes, Cooper, before we have to reschedule filming for the day!"

"This is Chad Dylan Cooper, star of _Mackenzie Falls_, one of many shows that beats out _So Random!_ any day of the week. So take that Sonny! You're still coming with me to my family thing, right? It doesn't matter if you don't want to because I'll owe you and according to you, that's the only thing that matters about these fake dates. If you're anyone but my mother and Sonny, don't leave me a message. Don't."

BEEEP

"Long voicemail much, Chad? And yeah, I guess I'll come with you to your family thing. I think it's sweet that a big Hollywood star like you still hangs out with their family as much as you do! Call me later to work out the details. It's the week after next, isn't it? Correct me if I'm wrong. See you, Chad.

"Warning. This is the voicemail of Chad Dylan Cooper. Your number has been blocked from Chad Dylan Cooper's phone. Due to the blockage Chad Dylan Cooper has put you in with some of his other contacts, such as Zac Efron and the Jonas Brothers, you are allowed to leave Chad Dylan Cooper a message of twenty second at maximum after the beep. Have a nice day."

BEEEP

"You blocked me from your phone? Real mature, Chad. I swear, I didn't mean for the pie to hit you in the face! I was playing around with Zora's cold cut catapult and got carried away, I just – "

"The time limit for this message has run out since you have used up the allotted twenty seconds. Due to blockage, you may not call Chad Dylan Cooper again after this. Have a nice day."

"Hello, people calling Chad's cell phone. This is Sonny Munroe giving you the latest news on the amazing-ness of Chad Dylan Cooper. This just in, there is none. So leave him a message about how non-awesome he really is. He'll get back to you on that, I promise!"

BEEEP

"Sonny?! Why do you always have my phone? Like seriously, I'll set it down in your dressing room for one second and you'll just change the voicemail message and hide the phone! I had to use Portlyn's phone to call my phone and now I have to go out and find my phone? Seriously, what type of game is this, Munroe?"

"Chad: You're onto the right trail. You'll find your next clue along the rail."

BEEEP

"You left me a clue at a skating park? I thought you left the phone there! Do you realize how awful that would have been? I hope you do, Sonny, I hope that you do. Don't do anything dangerous with my baby! By the way, what does this clue mean? Call the phone at five p.m. and there will be a special voicemail message on it leading you to your next clue. Oh, right. Self explanatory. What is Portlyn saying about me failing reading? Ha, yeah right."

"You got your clue! California is made up of sunshine. To get your next clue, find something sunny of mine."

BEEEP

"How cryptic is that? You're _Sonny Munroe_. Everything that you own is sunny! This doesn't help me at all! I can't get into your house where most of your stuff is . . . But I can get into your dressing room! Is that sunny something the pendent with the amber sun hanging from it with the note attached? Oh, how self explanatory. Of course it is! That has to be it. Here's the clue: You're on the right path, your precious phone isn't far from here. Go to set three, where your phone is quite near. Ok, Sonny, you aren't exactly the world's best poet. Not your finest!"

"This is Chad – who finally has his phone back after the scavenger hunt Sonny made him go on. Ha! Take that, Sonny, who thinks that she can just go right ahead and outsmart everybody! Well, you can't outsmart me, Munroe. No one outsmarts the Chad Dylan Cooper that I am! Don't leave a message."

BEEEP

"Wow, Chad. It's Sonny, in case you hadn't figured it out. We're still on for lunch later on, right? Hope so. See you there, I guess. Call me if there's a change in plans for the two of us!"


	3. The Messages of Miss Hart

"You have reached the ultra fabulous phone line of Tawni Hart! If you didn't mean to call this number, then please don't hang up and leave me a great message because even if I won't listen to it (I _do_ get a lot of messages after all), it'll sure boost your day! If you're Sonny and you're calling because I'm late to the studio or to something else the show is doing, then keep your hat on; I'll be there in a minute! If you're a fan, then just know that you can be _anything_ you want to be! Leave me a message after my ultra fabulous phone gives you the beep unless you're either a) a hate caller, b) going to yell at me for something I totally didn't do, or c) not extremely rich or famous, not a hotel heir, prince, or movie star! If you fit the requirements, feel free to leave a message!"

BEEEP

"Tawni, you're voicemail is way too long. Oh, by the way, it's Sonny and I'm going to dinner tonight with someone and I need some help with an outfit. Like you said, you need to approve my clothing choices before I wear them out somewhere so just call me back and tell me what time you're coming over to review my choices, reject them all, and then make new choices of your own for me to wear. Okay, thanks for that, so . . . Bye."

"You have reached Tawni Hart. Tawni is currently going through my wardrobe trying to throw stuff away but I'm trying to keep telling her – That's my favorite skirt, Tawni! – that I like the clothes that I have in here! Oh well, I guess I could do with a new wardrobe. So, leave Tawni a message and I'm sure that she will get back to you once she hears your message I'm sure. So leave her that message!"

BEEEP

"Ah! Oh my gosh, Tommy, I just dialed _Tawni Hart's number_ on accident! Ah! Tawni, I love you! You're like . . . the best person _ever_ on _So Random!_ and I love your acting! Tawni, I love you! Ah! Oh my gosh, I have to write this number down – I can't believe I called it on accident! We're going to be the best of friends, Tawni! My name is Jessica Towel and I live in Las Vegas, Nevada. You're my absolute hero for being a movie star! I send you fan letters all of the time, every single time that I have time, I write you a fan letter! I love you! I should come to Los Angeles so that you can hang out with your biggest fan! Or you could come to Las Vegas to hang out with me, your new best friend in the whole wide world! Ah! Oh my gosh, I know Tawni Hart! Ah!"

"Hi! You've reached Tawni Hart! It's great if you're obsessed with me, it really is, but don't leave me messages on how you're obsessed with me because you say you want to be Tawni Hart's best friend because that is _not going to happen_, people! I'm Tawni Hart; I don't need a best friend besides Sonny. Occasionally, she comes in handy. Only occasionally though. So leave me a message unless you're calling to nag me about something! Then you really shouldn't leave me a message because I don't like being nagged to!"

BEEEP

"I guess this is nagging then. This is Sonny, nagging to you about rehearsal. Come on, Tawni, we have to practice the human vacuum cleaner sketch! It's going to be awesome! Now get on set before I have to come off of the set and find you and because Chad has some radar that tries to find me so he'll come out and annoy me and then somehow we'll end up going to dinner and then there'll be another fake date favor and I'll have to spend about an hour with Chad with . . . whatever the fake date is for! So it'll save me three days and a lot of effort if you would just come on the set for the human vacuum cleaner now!"

"You've reached Tawni Hart. I'm currently on the set of _So Random!_, practicing for a new sketch that Sonny and I worked together on! It'll be so funny, so don't forget to watch the show when it comes on your TVs on Saturday night at eight thirty! Make sure to watch me, Tawni Hart, whenever I'm on there!"

BEEEP

"Blondie, this is Chad. I think I might need your help on something . . . Look, I kind of . . . _don't_ like Sonny. Yeah, that's it. Well, Tawni, since I _don't_ like Sonny, then you have to help me. I don't know why and I'm far too lazy to come up with an explanation, but you need to get Sonny to come to dinner with me. I like annoying her, that's why! There's your explanation, Tawni! I like annoying Sonny so you need to make her come to dinner with me! Call me so that we can work out the details for my master plan . . . . I mean, my annoying Sonny. Later, CDC out. And stop talking all about you on your voicemail; it gets annoying after a while."

"This is Tawni! I'm involved in a master plan right now, and it's secret so don't tell anyone! Well, Chad said it was secret but I doubt that he meant it! If you want to know all about it, call me again because I'm not here right now, or call Chad Dylan Cooper at the number of – MHMHMHMMMMHH! MHMH! CHAD YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HAND OFF OF MY FACE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I – MHHHMHH!"

"Tawni's going to let you leave a message now. Okay, bye."

"MHHHH! DON'T LET HIM – MHMHMHMHMH!"

BEEEP

"Tawni, this is Zora. Chad roped you into an evil plot? I want in; I want in; I want in; I want in; I want it on it! I'll call Cooper's phone. I only have his number because Sonny was calling it so much that I wanted to know who she was calling. Wait! Are you conspiring with Chad to kill the girl he likes, who we all know is Sonny? Oh God, I have to tell her! She's one of my favorite cast members; you can't just go and kill her! I won't let you! I'll save you, Sonny!"

"This is Chad Dylan Cooper keeping Blondie's phone confiscated from her. She doesn't need it after she almost spilled all of my master plan on her voicemail! So, leave Tawni a message if you think that she's a good actor. Ha, let's see you get any messages now, Tawni! So yeah, that's all. Also, Chad Dylan Cooper is the greatest actor of our generation and everyone, including Miss Know It All, A. K. A. Sonny Munroe, needs to know that!"

BEEEP

"Now I have to listen to you even on _Tawni's_ voicemail? I need to see a shrink because of you Chad! Also, Tawni, I'm calling because I really need you to come and practice that vacuum sketch again so we can film it. Wait! A master plan? Chad, didn't you mention something like that on my voicemail about a week ago? Also, Chad, dinner was pretty fun. We should totally do that again – just without your entire family being introduced to me and scaring me out of my skin. Other than that, dinner was totally great!"

This is the great _Tawni Hart_, star of _So Random!_ and soon to be star of several movies and even more shows! Leave me a message unless you're Sonny because I'm not talking to you because you went out to dinner with Chad Dylan Cooper, had me pick out an outfit for you, and then didn't even bother to tell me! Other than that, leave me a message. I might not be able to have enough time to listen to it, but it'll be fun to leave me a message all the same. Have fun leaving me a message unless you're Sonny!"

BEEEP

"How long are you going to hold that over my head? I'm sorry, Tawni! Wait a second, how did you know I went out with Chad in the first place anyways? I didn't tell you about that. Were you spying on me? Oh my gosh, you're spying on me! I'm telling Zora on you – no wait, she'll want to help you! I'm being stalked by my own best friend – or who I thought was my own best friend. I'm so confused right now, Tawni! What did I even do?"

"This is Tawni Hart telling you to leave a message! If you see Sonny, tell her that she knows what she did and she's going to pay for it very soon because Chad and I have a plan to annoy her out of her wits! Yes, I know what that means, Ms. Bitterman, so into your face I throw it! I feel so evil. That reminds me, I have another secret plan meeting with Chad tomorrow. Sonny, you will pay for not telling me about you going out to dinner with Chad! You will pay indeed for not telling me! Mu! Wa! Ha-ha! Zora taught me that. Isn't it just great? Leave a message after my phone does this great and amazing thing where it beeps on command! How cool is that?"

BEEEP

"Tawni? It's Nico. What are you talking about how Sonny went to dinner with Chip. Wait a second, Sonny went to dinner with Chip?! Oh, no, this can't be happening. She'll get sucked into believing that he's the good guy and we're all evil villains in this comic book we call Condor Studios! Grady was telling me about how almost that exact same thing happened in book two hundred thirty eight of _Cheese-Man: Not Your Average Man of Cheese_. Oh, man, we have got to save Sonny before she gets sucked up into the world of Chip Drama Pants! We'll hold an intervention on Thursday if we all can make it, which I'm sure we'll be able to if we care about Sonny enough. Tawni, we'll take you hostage if we have to. Just because you don't care doesn't mean that you're excused from the intervention for Sonny's Chad Dylan Cooper problems. See you on Thursday!"


End file.
